Decision making is not a strength of mine. I excel at endlessly analyzing options and never reaching a decision (My husband will be quick to agree with that). But… over the next few months I am going to have to make several huge decisions (even if they end up being decisions by default) about what the next few years will hold for my family. My 5 year old is heading to kindergarten in the fall… or not… depending on a decision about homeschooling vs. our local public school. I am headed back to work… of some form… or not… depending on the school decision and a number of factors I can’t control such as whether anyone will hire me to begin with (job interviews rank in the top 5 of my least favorite things to do). Life is headed in a different direction… and right now I don’t have any idea what direction that is. I feel like I am just beginning to find the map for how to manage being a stay at home mom and now it is time to switch maps (and I’m not sure I ever got to where I was trying to on the first one!).
It is very easy for me to feel like there is a right decision… and a wrong decision… for every choice. The reality is that not every choice is black and white. (Okay, practically no choice is black and white… but the ones I am facing seem to be a very medium shade of gray). I am trying to remind myself that whichever path we choose… or have chosen for us… will have treasures along the way. (That isn’t working right now, but I’m trying!). I have spent much of the last few years begging for some blazing billboard to tell me a direction to go in life. It hasn’t come. I really don’t expect it to.
I don’t expect to ever get to this point:
… but I sometimes wonder if it would be easier just to get rid of the expectations and trying to plan (it doesn’t work anyway) and just live life as it comes. (Except, that still calls for making decisions!)